


Loneliness

by H4rdCid3r



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Multi, Rape/Non-con Elements, Reincarnation, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:48:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25061881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/H4rdCid3r/pseuds/H4rdCid3r
Summary: "Zuko felt sick. His knees went weak and time seemed to slow as he watched Azula release a blast of lightning right at uncle's chest. The air crackled with electricity as Iroh was thrown back, crashing to the ground..."At the end of "The Chase," Azula doesn't hit Iroh with a blast of fire, she strikes him with lightening- killing him. Zuko, now truly alone knows that his uncle would want him to live on, to help end the war- bring peace; but Zuko doesn't know if he can do it without him.This is a dark rewrite and character examination of Zuko.
Relationships: Aang & Zuko (Avatar), Aang/Katara (Avatar), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Jet/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Suki & Zuko (Avatar), Suki/Zuko (Avatar), Toph Beifong & Mai (Avatar), Toph Beifong & Zuko
Comments: 78
Kudos: 441





	1. 1

Zuko felt sick. His knees went weak and time seemed to slow as he watched Azula release a blast of lightning right at uncle's chest. The air crackled with electricity as Iroh was thrown back, crashing to the ground. Zuko’s body seemed to act on its own accord as he wrenched his eyes away from his now unconscious uncle, releasing as much fury as he could on his sister. 

The Avatar and his friends acting in tandem with his stream of fire attacked Azula. A massive explosion concussed outward, causing a thick billow of smoke to engulf the area. Zuko took this as his cue to get to uncle. 

He couldn’t believe this- this couldn’t be real. Zuko fell to his knees beside his uncle; his vision started to blur as fat tears began to build up, his chest felt tight. This was his fault, if he hadn’t been so mean- selfish, if he hadn’t abandoned uncle. His uncle, the only person in his life that- 

He couldn’t help but cry out in frustration, wiping his tears away before they could fall. He heard footsteps approaching- he’d forgotten; the Avatar, Azula-

“Get away from us!” Zuko whipped around and screamed, it was just the Avatar and his friends. Azula must have- she left, she just left after what she- Zuko couldn’t do this right now, he had to get uncle to a safe place, he needed to get uncle out of here. 

Uncle's ragged breathing was so loud, he couldn’t hear. The water tribe girl was talking to him, she was coming near them. Zuko could feel himself shaking, he couldn’t lose it right now; he had to get them to leave. 

“Leave!” Zuko screamed as he forced out all the fire he had left at them before turning back to uncle. Uncle’s chest was charred- blackened, sticky and red; burns arched out and away from his chest, some traveling down his torso and others traveling up along the right side of his neck. He wiped at his eyes again, still shaking, Zuko looked around- the Avatar had left, they were finally alone.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I honestly can't believe all the feed back I got from the first chapter! I really wasn't expecting such a response, it was very appreciated :) So for all the people who wanted to bring on the angst, here ya go.
> 
> TW: Suicide attempt

Zuko didn’t know how he was able to carry uncle away from the ruins of that town, but he’d done it. There was a structure on the cliff overlooking the burnt out ruins; Zuko gingerly laid his uncle down on the floor of the dilapidated shack. Water- water, he should go find water and bandages, and that ostrich-horse, but- he couldn’t leave uncle like this. Uncle was barely breathing, he was pale and clammy. 

Zuko swallowed the lump in his throat the best he could. He needed to be strong right now- because uncle could- he might- Zuko shook his head, running his hands through his hair. He couldn’t think like that right now, couldn’t even entertain the thought of uncle never getting up off this floor. 

Water- there was a stream nearby, he’d let his ostrich horse water down there before he’d comforted Azula. He got up, brushing himself off, he needed to be quick; uncle couldn’t be left alone for any longer than was necessary. Zuko ran as fast as he could towards where he thought the stream would be. Traipsing through the prickly undergrowth of the steppe, he couldn’t feel the thorns and brambles scrap by his legs as he went. 

He stumbled past a gnarled old tree, nearly tripping into the stream when he finally found it. With shaky hands Zuko pulled out his water skin, ready to fill it when he heard a branch snap. His head whipped to where he thought the sound came from; trying to zero in on its maker. An ostrich-horse stepped towards the stream- his ostrich-horse. Zuko stared, absolutely dumb founded, the coincidental nature of the situation wasn’t lost on him. However, he wasn’t one to look a gift ostrich-horse in the mouth; especially not right now. 

Pulling himself out of his stupor, Zuko filled his water skin and hastily approached the ostrich-horse. Jumping up on its back he turned the animal toward the direction of the shack, spurring it forward. 

Sliding off the animals back, he rushed inside. Zuko faltered, going completely still- he- uncle wasn’t- Zuko felt his knees start to tingle, going numb. He didn’t remember kneeling down; uncle's skin was too pale and his chest wasn’t moving. Zuko numbly reached out a hand to touch him- this couldn’t be real. A long raspy breath broke the silence of the shack; Zuko watched as uncle’s chest jerkily rose. He let go of the breath he was holding; relief flooded through him.

“Uncle?” Zuko felt silly- childish, he knew his uncle was unconscious but part of him needed the reassurance; wished for it. He wanted so badly for his uncle to wake up, so he could tell him how sorry he was- for abandoning him, for going after Azula, for confronting her and the Avatar. Zuko had known his uncle had been following him, yet he still selfishly dragged him into a dangerous situation. Because he had wanted to fight Azula and beat her; turn around and then capture the Avatar, to regain his meaningless ‘honor.’ 

Zuko let out a sob, looking down at the floor in shame. What honor was there in letting this happen to uncle? He was such a fool, a stupid, stupid, fool. 

“Zuko?” he almost didn’t hear the quiet rasp beside him. He snapped his head up, taking in his uncle's appearance, heavy lidded eyes watched him. Zuko took his uncle’s hand, afraid to grasp it too hard; he didn’t want to cause his uncle any more pain. He knew uncle would be able to feel his hands shaking but he didn’t care because uncle was awake. 

“Uncle it’s- I’m here. I- I’m so sorry-” Zuko could barely speak before uncle shushed him.

“Zuko, listen to me,” his voice was so soft but all Zuko could do was listen. “You were banished not for speaking out of turn but because your father saw your potential- your love for your nation and its people, as a threat-” a sickly wet cough boomed through the shack and Zuko could only stair. He felt numb, his body was trembling and uncle's light grip was like lead in his hands. 

“You were banished because of your kindness, your empathy- you took issue with throwing the lives of your soldiers away-” Iroh paused, watching his nephew shiver; he used the rest of his strength to grasp Zuko’s hands a little tighter. “Your father is wrong, your kindness is not weakness or cowardice, Zuko, it’s your greatest strength. To be kind- merciful, is honorable.”

Zuko didn’t want to hear this, not after all he’d done; all he’d put uncle through. “Uncle, please just rest-”

“You are the prince, the Fire Nation deserves- you will be the Fire Lord our nation deserves. Do not let your father's hatred cloud your judgment, trust in yourself and what you know to be right.” Iroh could feel himself starting to slip from this world and into the next; an odd calmness seemed to envelop the small room. “Zuko, you’ve seen the horror’s of this war torn country-side, burnt villages, orphaned children, raped women-” Iroh paused to clear his throat, his vision was starting to get fuzzy at the edges. 

Zuko could feel the tears streaming down his face as they pulled at his skin; they pooled under his chin and dripped down onto their joined hands. He felt so useless, all he could do was stare as the only person left in this world who loved him struggled to speak.

“Help bring an end to this fight Zuko.” Iroh coughed again, seeming to take a moment to collect his thoughts.

Zuko didn’t understand why uncle was saying all this. “Uncle please- I need you- I need you to rest. We can talk about-” Zuko paused, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “Talk about father when you’re better-” Uncle stared at him, a warm smile spread across his face

“I love you like a son- after my precious Lu ten- you gave me purpose again in this world- my precious nephew.” Iroh’s hands went limp.  
_____

Mai was annoyed, annoyed and bored. Annoyed because she had been tossed into a river by that hairy cow-thing the Avatar rides around on and bored because they had been waiting for Azula for hours. Maybe it had only been an hour and a half but Azula had never been one to make people wait. 

“I’m serious Mai- what if something happened? The Avatar probably isn’t the easiest person to-” For spirits sake, didn’t Ty Lee understand it was quiet time. 

“Ty lee, I’m sure everything’s fine.” Mai stated listlessly, wringing her hair out for the hundredth time. Azula had told them to meet back up at the steam-train and let her take the Avatar. Ty Lee was sitting down by the metal haul, she’d successfully up-rooted almost all the grass within arms reach of her position; anxiously tearing the blades into smaller pieces.“If it makes you feel better, we’ll go look for her if she’s not back in the next half-hour.” Mai said, attempting to console her friend.

“You know you two, I’m really insulted. Being worried about me is sweet and all, but really, am I so unaccomplished?” Azula sat on her basilisk-hound who had perched itself on top of the steam-train. Ty lee instantly jumped up as Azula slid off the hound, rushing over to hug her. 

“Oh, Azula- thank goodness you’re okay. I didn’t mean to insult you- it’s just-” 

“No you’re fine, I was joking.” Azula interrupted, dismissing her concern.

Mai stood up from where she had been leaning against the steam-train, walking over to the pair as some soldiers came over from further down the train to check in. One of them knelt, before asking permission to take Azula’s basilisk-hound. 

Azula looked to the ranking officer, a kind looking, portly man with a beard. “Lieutenant Rijo, I need you to write up an official missive to my father.” Azula said as they all started to walk down to one of the side entrances of the steam-train.

“Of course princess, I would be grateful to write to the Fire Lord on your behalf.” he said, bowing his head.

“Yes, well- tell him that his dear, traitorous, brother sadly suffered a bolt of lightning to the chest and is no longer with us.” Mai’s eyes widened slightly in shock, had Azula- had she killed her uncle? Lieutenant Rijo seemed to be just as shocked before realizing his impropriety. 

“Yes- yes of course my princess. Is there anything else you would like included?” the lieutenant asked nervously. 

Azula seemed to ponder for a second before adding, “Tell him that I’ll have my brother in custody soon.” Azula then shooed him off as they began to walk back to the royal living quarters.

“Azula, what happened?” Ty lee asked trepidatiously, Azula scoffed.

“I was confronting the Avatar, when Zuzu rode in on an actual ostrich-horse and tried to fight me. He failed miserably, but was just distracting enough to give those peasants and my uncle ample time to show up. Enemies and traitors turned towards me, so I shot my uncle and made my escape.” she said it so nonchalantly, as if killing her uncle was as mundane as making one’s bed in the morning. 

Mai understood that the Dragon of the West was a traitor to their nation. Yet, she couldn’t help but think of him as the kind old man who would always have the servants bring her fruit tarts whenever she would visit the palace.  
_____

Zuko didn’t know how long he had been kneeling there next to his uncle, hands clasped onto cold, rigid fingers. It was night now, he couldn’t feel the sun anymore, not that it would help; he felt utterly numb. He blinked sluggishly, looking down at his uncle- peaceful, uncle looked peaceful. Zuko could almost pretend that uncle was just sleeping, that he would be better soon, be up and walking by the end of the week; that he’d insist on having Zuko go out to collect things to make tea in the morning. 

Zuko felt his eyes start to well up again, he wanted his mother so badly. He wanted this all to be some horrible dream, to wake up back in his room in the palace. To walk down the hall to his mother's room; to have her hold him and tell him it was just a nightmare. But mother was gone too, just like uncle. 

Uncle would never have tea again, he’d never laugh again, or do any of the things he liked to do. He was gone and dead and it was all his fault. Zuko had said such horrible things to him, had treated him horribly, had abandoned him. Uncle was always there, supporting him, worrying about him; caring and compassionate. He’d left the Fire Nation to help him, ruined what was left of his reputation, and betrayed their homeland all for him. 

He should make a pyre. Uncle deserved a proper pyre. 

Zuko sat there staring at nothing, he hadn’t even realized he’d fallen asleep until the sun began to poke through the wooden planks of the shacks walls. He’d dreamt of Ember Island, of making sand castles with Lu Ten; uncle was still holding his hand. 

He ripped himself away, stumbling out into the sunlight and falling onto his hands and knees. He dry-heaved into the patchy, brown, grass; there was nothing in his stomach to retch. 

Zuko spent the entire day collecting wood, as long as he focused on collecting as much wood as he could his mind remained blank. He piled the wood, dry leaves and grass in front of the shack facing the cliff edge. It was late in the evening before he deemed the pyre suitable, it was time to get uncle. 

Zuko paused at the doorway to the shack, breathing hard- this was for uncle, a proper pyre for Fire Nation royalty. He swallowed hard, forcing his mind to go blank as he stepped into the one room structure. Uncle's body was stiff and unbending, it was difficult to get him through the doorway. Zuko’s muscles ached as he hefted uncle's body up to place him on the pyre. 

Zuko stared at his uncle’s face, memorizing it’s features, uncle's content smile; this would be his last time seeing it. It took him a moment to summon a flame to his hand, it was weak and pathetic. Zuko placed his hand into the pyre, lighting some of the leaves on fire. It wasn’t long before the flames engulfed everything, Zuko watched as it burned, mesmerized. He stared into the fire, his eyes unseeing. 

The sun had set hours ago, the fire was still burning when Zuko felt a fat raindrop fall on his head. He looked up as thunder boomed through the night sky, followed closely by a violent stab of lightning. How dare it rain before uncle’s pyre had stopped burning? Smoke began rising off him in droves as he turned away from the fire, looking out over the cliff, furious. 

Zuko looked out at the now raging storm, his hands clenched in anger, he stepped up to the cliff edge.

“You’ve always thrown everything you could at me-” He shouted at the sky pausing as the rain seemed to pick up even more, as if in response. “You took my uncle and my mother away from me! What more do you want?!” His voice cracked as lightning arched across the sky, mockingly.

“Go on strike me, you’ve never held back before!” Zuko screamed as tears streamed down his face, daring the universe to kill him. But just like with everything Zuko had to do it himself, not thinking as he let his body take a step off the cliff's edge.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko attempts suicide and while falling has vivid visions of the past. TW: suicide attempt, reference to rape, and self-harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a few days longer then I wanted to get this out, thank you all so much for the feedback! I hope you all like the art.
> 
> Here's the art is full res https://www.deviantart.com/gleca/art/Lonliness-848235190

His heart jumped into his throat; blood and wind screaming through his head. He felt himself twist through the air, trying to stop his fall but it was too late. He was falling and he couldn’t stop- what had he done? After everything uncle had- mother had- he was throwing it all away- he couldn’t stop, it was too late- everything was- 

Zuko stopped, everything stopped; it was dark and warm. He felt as though his body was cushioned by calm, soft water; like he was floating. He closed his eyes and he finally let himself rest. 

_____

Zuko woke up, lying in a sea of tall grass. He started to get up, confused- where was he- hadn’t he been- he stopped, resting on his hands and knees. He remembered being sad but couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. Looking down at the sandy ground he noticed that his hands were small and chubby, like those of a child. He went to stand when something crashed into him from behind, knocking him back to the ground. Laughter rang out through the area.

“Sozin! I found you.” A bubbly, childlike voice exclaimed from on top of him. A smile spread across his face, responding in kind, he called back. 

“Ya- that’s because you’re a cheater, Roku! You didn’t wait long enough for me to hide.” 

“Nuh uh- I counted to 30, just like you said.” Roku moved to get up off him but not before he could knock the other boy to the ground, playfully. They both started laughing, Roku was small, his face full of baby fat, looking maybe 6 or 7 years old. Zuko assumed that’s how old he must have been too. It was almost as if he was a spectator, watching an old memory play out in front of him. He couldn’t help but smile at his friend.

Roku morphed into an older boy with an arrow tattooed on his head.

The scene shifted in front of him and his friend disappeared. What appeared was horrific, screaming and crying children- dead, burnt, bodies littered the ground. A heavy force blanketed the area. Zuko looked up, a blinding torch of fire was breaking the sky in half, it filled him with pride. He inhaled, it felt as though his very being was made of energy. He was even more a spectator this time, the world was jagged and dream-like. It was as if everything was fading in and out. 

He entered a tent, children started screaming in terror at his presence, his soldiers rushed into the space, filling the tent to its brim. An old monk with a mustache and a tri-spiral pendant stepped forward. Zuko couldn’t explain it but this man reminded him of uncle- he was uncle. 

“Harm a single child and I’ll repay you in kind, tenfold.” uncle stated coldly; his soldiers closed in around the monk. 

“Give us the Avatar and perhaps I won't harm any of these children.” the elderly voice that wheezed out of him was jarring. 

“The Avatar isn’t here, and even if they were we would never let you have them.” uncle said, shifting into a fighting stance. 

“Then so be it. Men, wipe them out.” he turned to leave the tent, feeling the tickle of heat on his back as screams erupted from behind him. 

Everything shifted once more; he saw his mother, she was in a dark room- her head had been shaved; her face was gaunt and her eyes were sunken. She was dirty and too thin- Zuko felt sick, he didn’t understand what was happening to him. Mother was dead, this wasn’t right; green light shown through the bottom of the cell door. She sat with her knees held close to her chest, holding her head in her hands; she was muttering something under her breath. 

“M- mom?” he stuttered out but she didn’t hear him. He tried to move closer to her but he didn’t have a body. 

“Ursa- Ursa- your name is Ursa-” she repeated, quietly to herself. Zuko tried to reach out to her again as the door of the cell creaked open. He watched as his mother stiffened and her breathing quickened. 

“My my- Joo Dee, I’ve heard you’ve been quite unaccommodating towards my men.” A thin man, with long black hair entered the cell, bordered by two men wearing sedge hats. He watched his mother curl in on herself even more. “To deny the Di Lee is to deny the Earth King, and to deny the Earth King- well- that would be treasonous.” 

Zuko watched in horror as the two men in sedge hats grabbed his mother, hauling her up on her knees. The long haired man went to grab her chin but before he could his mother wrenched herself back and spit at him. Everything seemed to freeze for a moment before a nasty look spread across the long haired man's face; he reared back, hitting her hard. 

Zuko could do nothing as his mother slouched forward, held up only by the two men at her sides. The long haired man wiped at his face.

“Seems as though you need more time in the rehabilitation room-” he paused grasping her chin; her nose was bleeding and she was nearly unconscious, “And perhaps, some personal attention from myself.” 

Zuko watched as they dragged his mother away. 

_____

The world went black and he felt like he was falling again but a pair of arms seemed to reach out and embrace him. Cushioning him as he reached the ground, the person holding him smelt like uncle. Zuko opened his eyes, the world was white and blank. 

“Zuko- I know you are sad. I thought of doing similar things after Lu Ten had died, but please nephew, I beg you never this-”

“Uncle?” Zuko felt the arms hold him tighter.

“This type of sadness and pain is something that only time and love can heal- My love will be with you every step of the way.” 

Zuko felt the arms lay him down, try as he might, he couldn’t stop his eyes from slipping closed.

_____

Aang woke up, sweaty and bleary eyed- his heart was racing; he didn’t know why but it felt as though he had woken from a nightmare. It must have been early morning, the sun hadn’t even started to rise yet. He tried to recall his dream, he remembered playing hide and seek with a little boy. He remembered them laughing- playing the whole day away and of telling the other boy that they’d be friends forever. 

Aang sat up and looked around the campsite. Oppa, Momo, Katara, Sokka, and Toph- everyone was there, safe, and sleeping soundly. He couldn’t help but feel like something was wrong, like someone was hurt and needed his help. 

He felt the anxiety build up in his chest, Aang forced himself up and walked over to where Momo was sleeping on top of Sokka. He picked the lemur up, causing Momo to stir and chirp at him. He held Momo to his chest, petting him as he curled up between Sokka and Katara, trying to go back to sleep. 

_____

The sun was at its zenith when Zuko’s eyes shot open. He laid there, staring at the blue sky in awe- he knew he’d jumped- jumped right off the cliff in front of him- he had fallen from nearly a hundred feet up. He slowly sat up, looking himself over- his body was sore and his throat was dry but other than that he was relatively unscathed. Zuko held his head in his hands, closing his eyes tight. He couldn’t believe what he’d tried to do, tried to end- the life that his mother had given to him. 

Stupid- selfish- stupid. Zuko's mind was jagged and sluggish, he knew that if he wasn't so dehydrated there would be tears in his eyes. The memories of his dreams- visions- came to the forefront of his mind. He didn’t- couldn’t- begin to understand them; they had felt so real, realer than any dream he had ever had. 

The heat of the fire, Sozin’s Comet, the screams of those children, his friend named Roku, and the monk who had reminded him of his uncle. Uncle appearing to him and cushioning his fall- of holding him while he fell asleep. Most importantly though- he saw mother; mother alive and in pain- and in Ba Sing Se. 

Zuko tried to stand, getting to one foot before stumbling back to the ground. He realized he hadn’t eaten or drank anything since before he’d fought Azula. He looked back up at the edge of the cliff, he’d really fallen off that edge and was somehow still alive? Maybe uncle’s spirit really had saved him- maybe his dreams had been more than just dreams. 

If those dreams were instead visions, then that could mean mother was alive- that she was alive and she needed his help. Zuko gritted his teeth, determined to stand. He slowly made his way back up the pathway to the shack. His ostrich-horse was drinking from one of the puddles left by the storm.

Zuko went inside the shack to retrieve his untouched water skin; he downed it faster than he should have. He coughed and sputtered as he choked on one of the gulps. He took a few moments to breath before slowly drinking the rest of the water. When Zuko was done he exited the shack, staring at the ashes of uncle's pyre. He walked over to it, kneeling down before his uncle's remains. 

“You told me to never give up without a fight-” Zuko said as he pulled the blade his uncle had given him from his waistband. “Last night I tried to give up-” he unsheathed the blade staring at it, “But you stopped me, setting me back on my path.” Zuko dragged the blade across the palm of his hand, the pain was jarring but it kept him grounded. “I’ll make you proud uncle, I promise.” he let his hand drip over the ashes. 

Zuko put the blade away before standing back up. He let himself look over the ashes one last time, his hand throbbing as he turned away, walking over to his ostrich-horse. 

He spurred the animal north, towards Ba Sing Se.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes Iroh is (or rather was) the reincarnation of Monk Gyatso (and Zuko might just be Sozin's but who knows :p). I wasn't the biggest fan of the after series comics so I'm scrapping how Zuko found his mom in cannon.
> 
> Here a link to my twitter for more art: https://twitter.com/HCid3r


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Attempted rape

Zuko angled his ostrich-horse north-west as he rode away from uncle's pyre, hoping to meet up with the stream as he made his way towards Ba Sing Se. It wasn’t long, perhaps a few miles out of his way, until he reached the now engorged stream. The water rushed by him at fast speeds; the storm had made a river out of the once slow moving water. Zuko took a moment to collect himself as his ostrich-horse grazed at the tufts grass along the bank. 

There was a moon-peach tree stooped low over the water, the fruits were out of season but Zuko noticed a few over-ripened peaches still hanging from the tree. His stomach gnawed at him, he hadn’t realized how long it had been since he’d last had food. Zuko slowly climbed up the tree and shimmied his way out on one of the low hanging branches, he felt the cold water rush underneath him as he gingerly picked several fruits. 

He sat down on the bank, next to his ostrich-horse, he was still severely dehydrated- best to drink as much water as he could while he was here. He took several big gulps from his water-skin before he refilled it once more; he gazed up-steam, it looked as though he would be able to follow the stream north for some time. His stomach rumbled, where there was water there would be food- and people- people- he thought to himself as he laid out the peaches in front of him. He’d need to be careful, he was truly alone now; a lone target was much easier to rob then two. Especially when he could barely summon a flame, he scowled taking another swig of water. 

The peaches were mealy but they smelt of wine. He ate them quickly, barely chewing as he worked through peach after peach; his stomach growled as he finished his last fruit, unsatisfied. He sighed, gulping down another water-skins worth of water, he felt far from satiated but all the water made him feel bloated. He wouldn’t be far off from looking like one of those children from the last town he road threw; bellies all bloated and distended- starved- he mused morbidly. 

Zuko stood, at least his headache was starting to lessen; he mounted his ostrich-horse spurring it north along the riverside. 

He rode for hours, stopping only when he needed to let his mount rest. Zuko road long into the evening, watching the sun set; he didn’t stop to sleep, it was too risky and he didn’t want to waste any time in getting to the Earth Kingdom capital. Zuko looked up at the dark night sky, the stars were pronounced and the moon was bright, providing just enough light to see the path in front of him. He rode through another few hours, watching as the sun rose, he decided to stop to let his ostrich-horse rest. 

Zuko scavenged what food he could along the river banks- his spear fishing hadn’t improved but the snails he’d found didn’t take much skill to catch. He placed them onto a large, flat river-rock he’d found; it took longer than it should have to cook the snails. The sun was at mid-day before Zuko started out again, he rode for hours watching as the sun set, leaving him cold. He could feel his eyelids grow heavy as the hours dragged on- he’d have to stop soon- the gentle jostle of the ostrich-horse lulled him into a daze- he’d just close his eyes for a moment.

The heat of the sun startled Zuko awake- he nearly fell off his mount, who was now grazing lazily. He hadn’t- Zuko blanched, swallowing hard; the sun was well on its way to its high point- he’d slept through the sun-rise. He dismounted, the terrain was rockier and the river was starting to dwindle; he must be at the edges of the Si Wong. Zuko grimaced, rubbing at his eyes, he’d vier west to avoid the desert. 

He walked over to the mostly dry river bed, dipping his hands in one of the non-contiguous pools, the water was warm- already heated by the sun. Zuko stared at his fingers, he felt his measly chi stir as he tried to summon a flame- he felt nauseous, it seemed as though the simplest fire-bending was beyond him now. Zuko stood, grunting- his headache appeared to be returning in full swing. Rubbing at his temple, he walked back over to his ostrich-horse, grabbing her reins, she seemed just as tired as he was- best not to force her to take his weight today; he started walking them westward. 

They walked for hours, the sun was beginning to set, giving the twilight sky a purple glow. The rocky shrub-land began to give way to a mesquite grove. The trees' low-hanging fruits brushed by his head- this would be a good place to stop for a bit he mused to himself- he just needed to find some water first. He grabbed one of the beans, Zuko knew you needed to grind the beans but the pods could be eaten raw. He cringed, thinking back to Song- the nice girl and her mother, they’d had such a tree on their land. Song had told him the beans could be used to make flat-bread and cakes- he’d stolen their ostrich-horse. 

He tried to shake himself of the shame- he couldn’t dwell on that right now. He grabbed a few beans from the nearest tree, splitting them open, he started to chew on the pods; they were tough but sweet. It wasn’t long before he found some water, a small, fast flowing, brook. His ostrich-horse began drinking greedly from the water, following her lead, Zuko took out his water-skin. Kneeling, he began to fill it; the water was cool and clear. 

“My- that’s a lovely animal.” Zuko whipped around, dropping his water skin, his hand going straight to the pommel of his dao blades. There were two older men- Zuko hadn’t even heard them approach- this was bad, he didn’t want to deal with people right now. Both of the men seemed fit, one was maybe 30 and had a large sword strapped to his hip, while the other looked a bit older. 

“You traveling alone, boy?” Zuko’s eyes snapped to the older one, he was eyeing Zuko’s swords. 

“Why?” Zuko asked, white-knuckeling the pommel of his swords. 

The younger one braked out a laughed, “Rude little shit, ya know there’s been a lot of Fire-Nation activity in this area- traveling alone can be dangerous.” 

“And? What do you want-” Zuko started to spit back angrily when three more men stepped out of the tree line and into his line of sight- he hadn’t- how had they already- they had nearly made a half circle around him. Zuko’s heart jumped into his throat, his eyes were jumping from man to man- were any of them benders- how armed were they? 

“Earth Kingdom forces just got defeated about 10 miles south of here- you army?” one of the new men asked

“You think the army would take a gold eyed bastard, Geni?” The one with the sword teased.

“At least not one that looks so fire-nation,” another called back, Zuko didn’t like their tone, nor where this conversation was heading. Zuko’s heart was beating a mile a minute as he broke out into a nervous sweat.

“He does look pretty Fire-Nation- pale skin, black hair- be pretty if it wasn’t for that scar- you a deserter?” The man- Geni, asked.

“The Fire-Nation drafting children now or maybe we’ve found ourselves a spy?” He clenched his jaw glaring at the men. Zuko had backed up against the edge of the stream, they all seemed to be slowly moving closer.

“Ha- this sickly kid? Nah, just some soldiers bastard more like-” the one with the sword paused to leer at Zuko “Grow old enough to start looking like you dad, huh? Mama probably couldn’t look you in the eyes anymore so now you’re out here in the badlands?” Zuko wrinkled his nose in disgust at that comment before shouting in surprise as one of the men jumped forward, taking hold of his ostrich-horses reins, pulling her behind them and away from Zuko. 

“What- What do you think you’re doing?” Zuko demanded, angrily, drawing his swords- he didn’t know how many he could take at such close quarters without his bending. None of the men seemed to care that he’d drawn his weapons, the one who’d called him a ‘bastard’ laughed as he played with the handle of his own sword.

“Ya know, Geni’s right- this one’s gangly but he’s got a pretty face, I always love me a pretty face.” the other’s hummed in agreement, Zuko’s stomach dropped at that comment.

He had less than a second to react as one of the men shot a rock at him. Zuko moved to dodge but wasn’t quick enough, the rock clipping him in the side- he gasped as the wind was knocked out of him; losing the grip on his left sword as he tripped into the stream behind him. He hadn’t even seen which one was the bender. 

One of the men grabbed onto his left ankle, dragging him back towards the group. Zuko tried to slash at him just as another man seized his arm, twisting his wrist into a goose-neck; his arm seared in pain as he tried to keep hold of his sword. 

“Get off me-!” Zuko shouted, attempting to kick at the hands pulling him up the riverbank. One of the men at his head forced him under the water, his lungs nearly exploding in panic- he didn’t even feel the sword as it was wrenched from his grasp. His hands flew to the ones holding him down under the water- his chest burned as he thrashed wildly. He tried to burn the man's hands- anything to get these people away from him- but his fire was cold and sluggish. 

His panicked thoughts strayed to Azula- he remembered his little sister telling him to be careful while swimming- the more you struggle the faster you’ll waste your air- or something of the like. He dug his nails as hard he could into the arms holding him under- he could feel himself starting to lose strength; his struggling lessened as his hearing went out and his vision began to fade. 

Zuko barely felt the men drag him from the stream and throw him on the ground. All he could do was splutter and cough, rolling to his side, he gasped trying to take in as much air as he could. The man with the sword kicked him in the gut, Zuko cried out in pain as he was forced onto his back. 

His muscles were unresponsive and his thoughts were scattered- he felt weight on his hips as hands started pulling at his clothing. Cold, calloused, hands brushed against his stomach- this would not happen to him. Zuko cried out as he bucked his hips hard, trying to displace the man on top of him.

“Don’t touch me-” he gasped out as more hands held him down, with bruising grips. 

“Just hold still, will you- if you end up being a good fuck-” the man on top of him leaned in, “maybe we’ll just rob you.” 

Zuko renewed his struggles; the man leered at him as he started to rip away Zuko's clothes. The cool night air made his chest and stomach break out in goosebumps- he felt the man start to pull at the sash around his waist. His eyes welled up in humiliation and frustration- he wouldn’t give up, but he couldn’t- couldn’t find a way out of this. 

A sharp whistle entered the clearing, Zuko heard several loud cries of pain- the man on top of him had an arrow solidly lodged in the right side of his chest. It looked as though some of the other men had also been shot with arrows. The temperature seemed to drop as someone- another man, armed with twin-hooks, dropped down from one of the trees into the fray.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for waiting and for the comments! This took me longer to write then I would have liked- my SO caught the crunga and it got pretty bad for a few days there. Thankfully, their much better now. 
> 
> There will be art for the next chapter! Follow me on twitter for art and updates https://twitter.com/HCid3r

**Author's Note:**

> I'll reiterate, this story is going to be an entire overhaul and rewrite from season 2 onward, past the end of the war. There will be depression, suicide attempts, self-hatred, non-con and other very adult things. Writing about fictional characters going through horrible things does not mean one condones those acts in real life. 
> 
> Will update soon.


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